Before and After You Say I Do

How Would You Feel If It Happened to You?

I was watching a later episode of Family Matters this week. Carl never told Harriet that he intended to marry the girl he was seeing when he first met her. During a conversation the question came up if Carl had bought this other girl a ring. He answered her positively. Then Harriet asked if the ring she was wearing was intended for the other girl. Reluctantly, Carl said yes. Of course he did not readily understand why she was hurt by his actions.

Let's take a look at it. Carl might have imagined how the girl's face would light up when he gave her the ring, but whose face was he imagining? He had to be thinking about the first girl because that is who he was involved with at the time he was even considering getting married. She was the reason he bought the ring in the first place. He had the ring inscribed because of his deep heartfelt feelings for the first girl. So when Harriet read the inscription it was not meant for her. It was just conveniently written so that a change was not necessary, or so he thought.

Don't make the mistake of not closing the book to past relationships and bringing them into your relationship you have now. Always think about how you would feel if the tables were turned. If you want your birthday to be special, then make your spouse's birthday special. If you want Valentine's Day, Christmas, or any other occasion to be remembered with good feelings, then do the same for your spouse before hand. Don't always just be on the receiving end. That gets old really fast. If your soon to be is not making a big deal about birthdays and other special occasions and you aren't married yet, that is not going to change after you get married. We have no control over the actions of others so don't fool yourself into thinking that your undying love can change him/her. He/she has to want to change before changes take place.

Make it your intentions to do something, say something that constantly reminds your spouse that he/she is the only love of your life. If you started it then do your best to keep it going. Wouldn't you want that to happen to you? Keep your date night even if you have small children. It's even more important now to keep date night going. You don't want your life to revolve just around the children and you find yourself drifting apart. Keep discovering your spouse, because he will change through the years and so will you. So don't be selfish in your thoughts, words, or deeds towards your spouse. Always think about how you would feel if it happened to you.

 

Pray More, Talk Less

My blog was created to address issues of couples who are contemplating marriage and for those who are already married. But I believe something can be taken away from this blog for many people in different situations.

Recently I read a book about the demise of the Bakkers. My intent is to encourage the power of prayer as opposed to seeking the advice of others. There is nothing wrong with seeking sound counseling. The scripture talks about that. However, God desires that we have a relationship with Him in that we seek his face for guidance. The Bible also tells us to trust in the Lord with all of your heart...acknowledge Him in all your ways, and He shall direct your path. It is human nature to want the approval of others and to trust their judgment, but ultimately only God knows the outcome of every situation we could possibly get ourselves into. Only God knows the very best for His people and He desires the best for His people. He knows if someone plans to scam us or do us harm, and He knows those persons who He ordained to be in our lives. We just need to pray about decisions before we make them.

In the book, the Bakkers were very skilled in setting up television programming in the Christian arena. But more often than not, according to the book, they were beguiled and were no longer needed after having gotten the ministry rolling. Jim was in the habit of not signing contracts, but rather trusted individuals according to their words. Their word was good enough for Jim. Unfortunately, quite a few of these Christian leaders only used them and merrily sent them away with no where else to go. God always blessed the Bakkers to bounce back. However, Jim never learned his lesson where trust was concerned. He had good intentions but lacked the legal savvy that was needed in order to protect him and his family's interests. Tammy would try to talk to Jim before he went off and made these big decisions, but Jim would not hear her. He couldn't hear her because he was faithful to the task at hand. His work absolutely consumed him. Each time he ended up being hurt.

I didn't read where Tammy really turned to God and prayed. The emphasis was more on how often she tried talking to him. She was hurt and angry. By the time she really began to pray for him, it was too late. As a woman, I know how we need to vent. But as a Christian, I've learned that it's much more powerful for me to pray than to run my mouth about it. If you find that the one you need to talk to is not listening, please don't hesitate to begin to be like Hezekiah and turn your face to the wall and cry out to the Lord. Be honest with how you feel because He already knows. Bear your soul to God, because He is the one who can change it. In other words, pray more and talk less.

The Little Stuff Really Doesn't Matter

We had a very eye opening event to happen about a week ago. For about a week, I had been smelling something burning whenever I went to my bathroom. I thought that maybe it was the space heater or the laptop case sitting on the airvent when the heat came on. Well it wasn't.

My husband was preparing to take my brother-in-law back over to my father-in-law's house. Before leaving, he went to our bedroom and he immediately called me to the room because the smell was much stronger by this time. The Holy Spirit had me to turn in the direction of my restroom, and then the smoke began to come up from behind the outlet plate. Had my husband not been there, it could have been a very different ending to this story. I could not believe what I was seeing and I realized how long the smoke must have been smoldering before it made its way from behind the wall.

My husband leaped into action, and God directed him as to what needed to be done. As a result, our home was spared with just the smears from the smoke on my bathroom window. I'm sharing this to merely say, that it gave me a new perspective on how precious life is.

It is not worth arguing over something as minute as washing a favorite shirt, or putting down the toilet seat. We could have died from smoke inhalation if God had permitted a fire to begin. Remember I said I had been smelling the scent for about a week prior to seeing any signs of smoke. God is so good. I thank God everyday for sparing me and my family. I have a deeper love for my husband, and I realize that it is not worth it to waste precious time over frivolous things. Our lives together is what matters until death do us part. I intend to make every moment count by the grace of God, because the little stuff really doesn't matter.

Resolutions

I'm not one for making New Year's resolutions. I don't like to make promises that I can't keep, even if they are only to myself. I do however believe in making attainable goals for myself. There is always room for improvement.

I believe that marriages can improve even when we feel that it couldn't possibly be any better than it is at the present. For some couples, it has become a matter of settling because they have been married for so long. But I believe that marriages can improve over the course of time as well. "Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life ..." Eccl 9:9 The Bible further states that when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing. Proverbs 18:22 God intended from the beginning that marriage was to last for the duration of their lives. Therefore, when God blesses you with your spouse, you should be happily satisfied in that marriage. That's why it is so important that you do things the way God intends for you to do them if you are going to be blessed.

For example, if you are looking to get married, then you should prepare for marriage. Learn how to be self sufficient instead of looking for a man to take care of you. Be willing to get out and work. "She considers a field and buys it; from her profits she plants a vineyard." Proverbs 31:16 There is nothing wrong with a wife helping to bring in some income as well as her husband. In the above verse, she could not have bought the field if she did not have some means of making money. So perhaps your goal for your marriage as a wife could be to have a change of heart and mind in terms of helping to bring in finances for the home. Why allow your husband to burn himself out because he was traditionally brought up in a home where the mom stayed home and did nothing to help out financially. Don't put your marriage through unnecessary hardships. Get out and help that man. If your husband makes enough money that sustains the household financially, then it's alright to be a homemaker.

It pays to look at yourself through the word of God. Be willing to admit your faults and ask God to help you to make the necessary changes so that you can grow in your marriage and it can continue to be a blessing to you. Ask God for that balance that you need so that you won't belittle your spouse, but rather build him/her up. So what if your spouse didn't finish school. Don't make the mistake of throwing that in his/her face. What does it matter that you are right? Perhaps your goal could be to humble yourself and not flaunt your degree(s) or knowledge. Remember your marriage is supposed to last until one of you departs this life in death.

If both the husband and the wife are striving to improve themselves as God shows them, the marriage will be stronger and have a greater chance of lasting until one of them departs in death. So what goals are you going to set for this year?

Be Thankful

    It's been a long time since I have had the chance to post anything. It's the Thanksgiving holidays and I'm out of school for the holidays. My husband, however, has not been home all day. He's working. Am I upset? Not in the least because I'm thankful that I have a husband who is able to work. I'm thankful that he doesn't mind getting up before the sun rises to go in to his part time job and then go in to his full time job. He has goals he has set and he is focused. He isn't trifling and lazy. He has never been afraid to get his hands dirty. I thank God for my baby. God has truly blessed me with a good man. Oh we've been through our tests, but God got the victory in the end.

    So today, I am truly thankful for all that God has done for me.

Love the One You're With.

Some of you were reminded of the lyrics that go something like this, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." Well I would just like to say that you should love the one you're with because the Bible says so. "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love." (Prov. 5:18,19) In other words, love the one you're with.

If you thought enough of your mate to seal your relationship in holy matrimony, then do whatever is necessary to maintain that love. That giddy feeling may be gone, but marriages are meant to go past the raw passion that is felt in the first few years of marriage. Marriage means commitment. It should be a commitment you're willing to sacrifice to keep. It should be a commitment that you're faithful to.

As both of you grow older, you'll find that you're both changing. What might have been cute in your first years together, isn't cute any more. If you're maturing, then the way you look at marriage should be in a more mature fashion. Oh we all have had our opinions of what a good marriage should be like and what we will and will not do when it comes down to our own marriages. Well if you're honest with yourself, your perception of marriage as a single was probably a little different than what it is to you as a married person.

Let's be for real. Some of those same things that you may have said you would never do because you're your own man or you're your own woman, you now find yourself doing willingly. Why is that? You have awakened and realized that it's not all about you. Therefore your perception has changed and you have changed along with your perception through the love that you show for your mate. That love can be expressed in many different ways.

Don't get caught up in measuring your love by someone else's marriage. You have to find what it is that is pleasing to your mate. Nothing else and no one else matters besides God.

Remember what I said about maturing and growing. I just found out something new about my husband's taste in clothes. They have changed. We went on vacation and was just window shopping. I began asking him what he liked. He started picking out things that he would not have worn 12 years ago. I was thrilled. I'm looking forward to going shopping for him. Now for some people, that's not such a big deal, but I'm loving the one I'm with. I'm taking an interest in the kinds of clothes he now likes and I plan to do something about it.  Will he appreciate it? You better believe he will.

You see we both have done some growing and our marriage is stronger because we were honest. We have both learned to love the one we're with.

Count Up the Cost

You know when you have gone through some things and have made several costly mistakes in your life, you probably don't want to see those who are close to you go through the same thing. Christians make mistakes just like anyone else. We are human. What I personally strive to do is to learn from my mistakes and even the mistakes of others.

There should be someone in your life that loves you enough to tell you the truth. And if you are truly friends you will not become enemies because of the truth. A true friend will tell you if your fiance' just made a pass at her. This man may be what you have been waiting for for a long time. However, you better be sure that you are in God's will. In other words, count up the cost. Pray about why your friend is telling you this. Seek God concerning why this happened at all. I mean the Bible tells us not to put confidence in the flesh. At any given moment of weakness, any of us could fail. David did it and he was a man after God's own heart. But he did not count up the cost until after major life changing decisions had run their course.

It all started with a glance at a naked woman. Of course Satan took that small opening and ran amuck with it. We must be watchful, alert, and prayerful as much as possible. From that glance, adultery was born,  a child was conceived, a plan to cover it up, and finally murder. All of this came about because David did not count up the cost.

When we're young, we always like to tell ourselves how we can get around getting caught in that same situation. We will plan how we will go about it differently so as we can continue in our own selfish ways. God can send someone your way to warn you. You may hear a warning through the midweek Bible Study or through the Sunday morning message. Yet you will still go on and convince yourself that "That's not going to happen to me". Is what you're doing going to help you in the long run? This attitude covers a wide variety of things. You could be determined to have premarital sex because you're using contraceptives. You're still sinning. You may have a huge problem with indulging yourself with whatever you want to buy. How much money are you saving for something that is going to bring you a return? Count up the cost. Many people today are in major debt because they have not counted up the cost prior to their way of spending. Are you a person who refuses to allow anyone else to hurt you like you have been hurt before? What friends have you lost because of this attitude? God will place people in your life to be a help and a blessing to you. But if you constantly have this wall up, you'll miss out on what God wants to do for you through those same people you have turned away.

In all of these situations, the best thing to do is to pray. Really bare your heart and soul to God. He can heal you from past hurts and give you the strength to trust again. He can guide you in how to spend wisely. He can even keep you when it comes down to those sexual urges. If you mean business with God, the Holy Spirit will remind you of what you're risking by making certain decisions. In other words, count up the cost.

Don't Be in Denial

You have often heard the phrase, "Admitting it is the first step". That is also true pertaining to facing marital problems. You can't begin the journey to recovering and healing from hurt if you are in denial that there is a problem. It is one thing to desire to keep people out of your business, but not admitting to yourself that there is a problem will only allow the devil to wreak havoc on your marriage.

When you are observing a marriage from the other side of the glass, it may appear that everything is always on the up and up. However, the reality is, that is not the case. Every couple will encounter some type of disagreement. A couple who is mature and who honors God in their marriage will have a better chance of handling the disagreement in an agreeable manner. If one or both of you resort to violent behavior when you don't agree, there is an anger management issue. That's going to get old really fast. You have got to admit that you aren't handling the situation well and submit to God so that He can take control. Temperance is self control which is also a part of the fruit of the spirit. Without temperance, you are an open target for Satan to use you.

Another way to be in denial is to believe that the problem will just go away if you say nothing to your spouse about it. Remember in the previous post, I quoted a scripture that says that your heart can fool you. The problem will not just go away. You have to admit that it exists and then do something about it.

What happens if you are ready to do something but your spouse isn't? You have to continue to pray until you see a change in your spouse. Only God can change the heart and mind of a person. Just at least admit that there is a problem and God will do the rest. In other words, don't be in denial.

To Forgive Is a Matter of Choice

I may have blogged on this topic before but perhaps it is needed at this time for someone who is reading it today. Prayerfully it will serve as a reminder to those who have read the other post.

When something traumatic occurs in your marriage such as infidelity, it is no easy task dealing with it. Wholesome Christians should approach this ordeal from the standpoint of the Word of God. My very first post is entitled For Better or Worse. Now if you had a traditional wedding with the traditional wedding vows, then you should be very familiar with those vows. Nowadays, people tend to make up their own wedding vows for various reasons.

Anyway, the Bible lets us know that, it was not God's intention for a husband and wife to get divorced from the beginning with Adam and Eve. (Mark 10:4-9) I believe that if both of you are Christians, then you should be doing everything in your power according to the Word of God and the leading of the Holy Spirit to reconcile. In other words, God would have you to forgive him/her even in the face of infidelity. You have to make a conscientious effort to do this. Besides, if you don't forgive your spouse, God will not forgive you. You know that part of the model prayer, "And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us" There is no getting around it. How can you expect God to forgive you of your sins if you choose not to forgive your spouse who cheated on you. Of course it's not easy. So that's the purpose of asking the Lord to help you through it. "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Spirit"(Romans 15:13). I'm not asking you to forget it. That's not exactly something you forget, but God can take you to a place in your life that it does not affect you anymore.

So you have to totally put it in God's hands. You can't just say that you are doing it, because your heart and mind can play tricks on you. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. Who can know it?"(Jer. 17:9) So you really have to invite the Lord in to do a work on you so that you won't become full of hatred, bitterness, malice, revenge, and un-forgiveness. Be proactive, even when you don't think that you're holding a grudge, your heart could be fooling you. Remember, if it still feels fresh as the first time you found out about it, then the work is not complete. If you still can't talk about it without your chest or head hurting, the work is still in progress. You do need to talk about it to someone who can help you through it, but ultimately talk to the Lord every chance you get. Only God can heal the hurt if you allow him to. He will never get weary of you coming to Him for strength and guidance.

Forgiving someone can be a process, but don't stop until the process is complete. All Satan wants to do is to destroy the institution of marriage as it was intended from the beginning of creation. Let me leave you with this thought.The wedding is a one time event, but the marriage is for a lifetime.

Show Your Appreciation

I really love my husband. He's a hard working man. He's always been that way from the time he's had his first job in high school. He has always wanted to show his children a better time than he had when he was growing up. So he was determined that we were going somewhere with the girls this weekend.

So here I am with my children constantly calling my name as I am trying to write this post. My husband has worked so hard this week until he is sacked out on the chair. He is worn out. I'm not complaining. I'm telling you what a great husband I have. He wanted to do this for us even though he has done the job of three men this week. You see sometimes we look for our spouses to show their appreciation in a different language than they speak. We want them to learn our language. Well that may come in time as you continue this life long journey together keeping God in the midst of your marriage. But in the mean time, learn to appreciate what your spouse does do. Tell him or her that you did notice. Make the effort to look for things to compliment him/her on besides how he/she looks.

I'm not the greatest housekeeper, but I'm not a nasty skunk either. My husband and I have had discussions about keeping up the house better. But you know what, he knows how hard it is when you work full time and have two children who are not completely independent. Now he did not always realize how hard it was until I was out of commission for 6 weeks. So he learned to appreciate what I do the hard way.  When I do have one of those amazing moments of cleaning everything, he shows me that he appreciates what I've done. He tells me how proud he is of me or something to let me know he appreciates what I've done.

You never know when those words will build your spouse up. Tune in to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to speak to your heart concerning encouraging your spouse at the right moment. When it becomes a part of you, it will refresh your spouse and alleviate the tension that comes from outside sources. Going home should be a place that you and your spouse want to retreat to. If it isn't a place you enjoy going to, you need to seek the Lord as to what the problem could be and seek to make the necessary changes.

Don't be upset when the Lord shows you how you could improve as well as your spouse. Go back and read the post on Conflict. Don't be afraid to humble yourself and take down even if you aren't really at fault. It's about having peace and agreement in your home and marriage. So take some time to show some appreciation towards your spouse. I know I appreciate mine and will let him know.

Cutting the Ties that Bind Part 2

I would like to answer the question I received from the previous post. The question was, "What happens if your spouse or family member does not want to cut ties?" The Bible declares that God is the God of all flesh. It further states that there is nothing too hard for God. Therefore you have to realize that since your spouse or spouse's family, or even your family was created by God. This means that anyone or anything that God created is under His control. It was God who caused Pharaoh's heart to change and to let God's people go. He was very obstinate in not letting them go until God touched his heart to change his mind. We are no different.

When we pray according to God's will, He hears us. If He hears us, he intends to do something about our petitions that we have before Him. So my answer is pray. I remember a message I heard some time ago. It was called P.U.S.H. (Pray Until Something Happens). Pray about those family members who are having a hard time accepting that you have someone else to care about you and for you. Only God can change a person's heart and mindset. You have to trust God with all your heart. When certain conversations come up, God can give you how to respond in the best way possible.

It is not your goal to shut them out completely, but they should respect your right to build your marriage according to what works best for you and your spouse. When you pray about it, God can and will bring a peace that surpasses all understanding. Believe that God can do it. Trust that He will do it. When God is leading you in a particular way of handling the situation, do what He says. Don't take matters into your own hands, because you are not guaranteed that things will work out. With God, you can rest assured that He knows what should be done and how it should be done.

Also, don't get disappointed if you don't see a change right away. God is still moving even when we don't see immediate results.